<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>War of the Neighbors by slash-em-up (writeonrice)</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24413050">War of the Neighbors</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeonrice/pseuds/slash-em-up'>slash-em-up (writeonrice)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Collector Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Asa is nintey-nine percent done with your shit, Attempt at Humor, Domestic, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Hijinks &amp; Shenanigans, POV Alternating, Prank Wars, Rating May Change, but like not in a kinky way, gonna feed Asa whether he wants it or not, neighbors and enemies, ongoing series, reader is a baker, somewhat co-insides with holidays</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:07:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,384</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24413050</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeonrice/pseuds/slash-em-up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Your asshole neighbor keeps leaving vaguely threatening notes in your mailbox - so obviously you need to start a prank-war with him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>The Collector (Collector Series)/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You’d somehow become embroiled in a bitter feud with your neighbor, and it wasn’t even your fault.</p>
<p>The rent for the modest suburban home was almost too good to be true, and you were pretty sure you had figured out why. Your landlord had put the house on the market after the previous tenant- his mother – had passed away. He was more than happy to collect your rent checks at the beginning of each month; but as far as upkeep and maintenance went? Less so.</p>
<p>So when you began receiving passive-aggressive notes in your mailbox telling you to cut back the large oak tree in your backyard, you let your landlord know, and waited… and waited… and waited.</p>
<p>The neighborhood was made up of a majority of retired seniors, with a few exceptions. Yourself, a friendly little family at the end of the block, and your neighbor.</p>
<p>You were 100% sure that your neighbor was the one sending you the notes. Even you could see that one particularly large branch of your tree had passed the fence line and was happily dropping leaves and various detritus into the yard adjoining yours.</p>
<p>Fully ready to make nice and explain your landlord situation, you’d baked up a batch of chocolate chip cookies and marched yourself right up to knock on your neighbors door.</p>
<p>Your neighbor wasn’t at home – but their two large, toothy German Shepherds were. Needless to say, you were off the porch and scampering back to the safety of your own house as fast as you could go; giving an embarrassed wave to the small walking group passing along your sidewalk before hiding back inside.</p>
<p>The notes kept coming, the tone turning more and more brusque with each new addition, until you were completely fed up. So you started watching and waiting for your rude asshole of a neighbor to finally show themselves.</p>
<p>It was 4:30 AM on a Wednesday when you finally caught a glimpse of your adversary.</p>
<p>You were extremely ashamed to admit that the first thing you noticed about the man was his ass. He was clearly heading out for a run (early-rising bastard), dressed in all-black workout gear, and was leaning forward against his porch railing to stretch out his hamstrings.</p>
<p>God <em>DAMN</em> a mean bastard like this guy should not be allowed to have a butt that nice.</p>
<p>Slipping on some flip-flops you were out the door and walking towards the man before he could take off and escape you once more.</p>
<p>“Hey, you!”</p>
<p>The man jerked, turning around quickly and looking momentarily surprised at being addressed before his face settled into an apathetic glare.</p>
<p>He looked pretty nondescript, if not for his imposing frame and odd eyes you wouldn’t have given him a second glance and would not be seriously rethinking your aggressive approach – especially when you came within arms reach and realized with a slightly sick feeling that he had at least two-heads of height on you and definitely a solid 50 lbs of muscle. Oh well, in for a penny and all that…</p>
<p>“If you’re gonna keep riding me about my tree, the least you could do is have the balls to say that shit to my face!”</p>
<p>The man blinked.</p>
<p>“What, suddenly you don’t have anything to say? You were pretty chatty on paper. And FYI, since you didn’t ask – my landlord is a fucking dick who won’t even fix my disposal let alone trim a tree back.”</p>
<p>You cut the man off as his mouth opened.</p>
<p>“And JUST so you know, I wanted to handle this whole thing like an adult and talk it through; but if you want a fight, you’ve got one!”</p>
<p>With that, you pulled a baggie full of softened lard and eggs out from your sweatpants and smashed it over the mans head with a satisfying <em><b>SPLAT</b></em>.</p>
<p>While the man spluttered and spat you beat a hasty retreat back to your house.</p>
<p>Quickly bolting the door and peeking through your curtains, you watched as your neighbor cleaned as much of the gunk off of his face as he could before giving an angry look in the direction of your house and stomping back to his own door.</p>
<p>Let the games begin, asshole.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>While the layman might insist that there was a difference between stalking and reconnaissance, Asa Emory was not a man to lose sleep over semantics.</p>
<p>If someone had accused him of stalking his next door neighbor he would most likely have agreed.</p>
<p>A grievous and quite frankly befuddling wrong had been done to his person and he was determined to discover the ‘who, what, and why’ of the situation as soon as possible in order to assess a retaliatory plan of action.</p>
<p>He was not ashamed to admit that standing in his own front yard scraping globs of gelatinous lard and egg out of his hair was by far the most confusing and aggravating situation he’d found himself in in his quiet neighborhood – and that included the nude walker bandit dilemma of ’05.</p>
<p>There went his plan for a quiet morning run.</p>
<p>His department head at the university sounded flummoxed when he called in sick from work that day. Asa supposed he understood the mans shocked response; he’d never called out a single day since he began working there, so this was definitely something unexpected coming from him.</p>
<p>But alas, he had some investigating to do.</p>
<p>Waiting by the window with his morning coffee, he watched as you left your house and drove away.</p>
<p>8:15 AM</p>
<p>By 8:20 Asa was kneeling at your back door, carefully picking the lock until the portal swung inward and granted him access.</p>
<p>No alarms, no dogs, not even a secondary bolt. It’s like you wanted someone to break in.</p>
<p>Stepping carefully across the wood floors, Asa took thorough and attentive stock of your living situation.</p>
<p>Everything was bright and airy but messy in the way that spoke of a scattered mind and too many false-starts on a project or four.</p>
<p>Running his hands lightly through your mail, he found several official looking envelopes addressed to you – licensing notices, chamber of commerce messages, business bureau contracts… it looked like you were staring your own business… a bakery? Well that explains the lard and eggs…</p>
<p>Just what a college town needs, Asa thought sardonically, another place for students to get hopped up on carbs and sugar.</p>
<p>Your kitchen was a maelstrom of cookbooks and mixing bowls, all surrounding a terribly clogged sink. The stench of rotting food reached Asa’s sensitive nose as soon as he entered, and despite the air fresheners and candles scattered liberally around the space his hand involuntary rose to cover his face and block out the smell. He regretted not bringing his mask along. Ugh.</p>
<p>Quickly exiting the room, Asa glanced over at the corkboard covering a decent portion of your wall. Handwritten message upon handwritten message was tacked in place, and a brief reading brought further understanding as to what you’d been screeching about before you’d assaulted him.</p>
<p>Someone was clearly not happy with the tree branch overhanging from your backyard. He could understand why you might think it was him; but sadly in this particular instance he wasn’t the perpetrator. And his handwriting was nowhere near this frilly…</p>
<p>Either way, you needed to be taught a lesson about picking your battles a bit more wisely.</p>
<p>A newspaper ad caught his eye, detailing a new customer deal on septic tank cleaning and a quickly scribbled note that read ‘<em>DUDLEY NEED TO DO THIS – MIGHT GET BUGS??</em>’ and that gave Asa an idea.</p>
<p>He had some little friends you should probably meet.</p>
<p>With a small, wicked grin Asa strode out of your house and quickly hopped the fence separating your two properties.</p>
<p>Giving Hellstrom and Burkhard brief ruffles behind their ears as he entered, Asa strode quickly into the library and began rummaging through his specimen drawers.</p>
<p>… Now, where was that jar….</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As you stumbled down the hall early that morning, the last – the VERY last – thing you wanted to feel was a tiny body crunching under your bare foot.</p>
<p>You grimaced at the unidentifiable glob that used to be some kind of bug sticking to your skin as you hobbled the remaining few steps to the bathroom. Gross.</p>
<p>Taking a wad of toilet paper, you cleaned the bug from your foot, flushing it before undressing and starting the water for your shower.</p>
<p>Distracted by grabbing your loofah, you barely noticed the dark shape flying toward your face.</p>
<p>You turned and ducked just in time to avoid getting a face full of black wings and scuttling legs. Screeching in surprise, you watched the large roach land on the floor and skitter into the corner.</p>
<p>The shivers that wracked your body were completely involuntary as you scrambled for a towel, a bottle, anything to squash the nasty interloper.</p>
<p>A glance back to the tub caused you to let out an ear-splitting scream as your horrified gaze took in the half-a-dozen other roaches scrambling up and over the shower walls.</p>
<p>They were coming up from the drain.</p>
<p>Oh god.</p>
<p>Still screaming in absolute disgust, you whipped a towel around your naked form and ran from the bathroom.</p>
<p>You dodged several more flying and crawling vermin on your way down the stairs. When you slid to a stop at the kitchen entrance your worst fears were confirmed.</p>
<p>The clogged sink practically moved with the multitude of roaches crawling through the detritus of rotted food and dirty dish water you hadn’t been able to clean until your landlord got off his ass to fix your grinder.</p>
<p>Backing away with a gasp, you grabbed your phone from the side table and jerked the front door open, sprinting into the cool morning air.</p>
<p>You took a deep breath, trying to calm your racing heart as you shakily opened your phone and googled ‘<em>Exterminator near me</em>’.</p>
<p>The first result was ‘Master Trap Exterminator’… wait, that couldn’t be right… google said it was only 500 feet away?!</p>
<p>Involuntarily your eyes rose to scan the street – as if you’d missed a whole storefront in the months you’d lived here.</p>
<p>You blinked in shock as you saw the white van that definitely hadn’t been parked across the street last night.</p>
<p>Oh well, you weren’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth.</p>
<p>Dialing, you tapped your foot impatiently as you felt goosebumps begin to form on your bare arms.</p>
<p>Someone picked up on the third ring.</p>
<p>“Yes?”</p>
<p>You sighed in relief.</p>
<p>“Is this Master Trap exterminators?”</p>
<p>“It is.”</p>
<p>“Oh thank god. I think you’re in my neighborhood right now – I have an emergency, there’s like a million roaches in my house. Please send someone over!”</p>
<p>“Where do you live?”</p>
<p>You gave the man your address.</p>
<p>“Alright. I’ll be over in 30 seconds.”</p>
<p>“Oh gre- wait… 30 seconds?!”</p>
<p>The disbelief quickly turned into horror as a tall shape rose from the porch swing of the house next to yours.</p>
<p>Your jaw dropped as your neighbor casually drained the last of a mug of coffee and sat it on his porch before sticking his hands into his kaki pants pockets and striding across his lawn to mount your steps.</p>
<p>Though his face gave nothing away, you got the distinct feeling that he was laughing at you as he took in your nearly naked and shivering self.</p>
<p>“How unfortunate. Roaches usually don’t congregate in houses… unless there’s something for them to feed on…”</p>
<p>Your mouth opened and closed without making a sound. What the actual fuck?</p>
<p>“Were you… waiting for me?”</p>
<p>The man was definitely laughing at you now - you could see a mean spark in his black eyes that loudly proclaimed his disdain for you, and humor at the situation; but what he said was:</p>
<p>“Don’t be ridiculous. Now do you want me to get rid of your roaches or not?”</p>
<p>You wanted to scream and rage; but you were feeling very vulnerable and more than a little upended by the way this morning had gone, so instead you simply nodded.</p>
<p>The man vaguely smirked.</p>
<p>“Good. Wise choice. Stay here.”</p>
<p>Withdrawing a large set of keys from his jacket he strode over to the Master Trap van and opened the back.</p>
<p>You plopped down on the stairs and watched as he rummaged around for a moment before withdrawing, holding two covered cages.</p>
<p>Feeling a sense of dread in your gut, you pulled yourself to your feet as your neighbor strolled casually past you and into your house. He deposited whatever was in the carriers inside and returned, closing the front door with a divisive <b>BANG</b>.</p>
<p>He turned to you.</p>
<p>“Here is the invoice for my services. I’ll be back in three days to pick up the geckos.”</p>
<p>Your eyes bulged out of your head.</p>
<p>“The WHAT?!”</p>
<p>“They’re natural predators of <em>periplaneta</em> <em>brunnea</em>. The four I released in your house should finish off the roaches and their eggs in a day or so.”</p>
<p>You were flabbergasted. The paper in your hand crinkled as you opened it and quickly scanned the contents.</p>
<p>
  <em>$500 x per lizard charge for eco-friendly pest removal</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Technician: Dr. Asa Emory</em>
</p>
<p>Oh dear god.</p>
<p>The man -Asa… what kind of a name was ‘Asa’ anyway? – was halfway down the steps before he snapped his fingers and turned to face you once more.</p>
<p>“One more thing. I’d keep my fingers away from the geckos if I were you. They bite. And just try to ignore their barking, it’s very normal.”</p>
<p>You let out a screech of indignation at Asa Emory as he offered you a brief, professional nod and walked back to his house without a second glance.</p>
<p>Shaking once more, from rage now instead of the cold, you turned and twisted the door handle.</p>
<p>It wouldn’t budge.</p>
<p>That bastard had locked you out!</p>
<p>You kicked the wooden door frame and yelled in anger and pain as your foot met unyielding oak.</p>
<p>If Asa Emory wanted to fight dirty, then by god you’d oblige him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Happy Valentines Day!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Asa strode into the main lab promptly at 7:30 AM.</p>
<p>Several of the interns liked to joke that you could set your watch by Dr. Emorys schedule, and they were not at all wrong.</p>
<p>He’d walk in carrying his satchel and a cup of black coffee, pass by the security desk and and other fellows or interns trying to get an early start on their projects – barely sparing them a glance - then close the door to his office and do… whatever it was that Dr. Emory did.</p>
<p>The interns suspected he had some kind of Frankenstein-esq bug hybrid in there that was going to break out and wreak havoc.</p>
<p>His fellow doctors and professors just thought he was a major tool who had a god-complex and like to occasionally pop his head out and make them all look like idiots.</p>
<p>One was more correct than the other; but neither was too far off.</p>
<p>Today… people were staring.</p>
<p>And giggling.</p>
<p>Asa’s steps slowed just the smallest bit as his jet eyes flicked quickly from person to person, trying to sort out why they were paying him extra attention this morning.</p>
<p>His brow furrowed as he opened his office door and stepped inside.</p>
<p>It looked like a Valentine’s Day-themed bomb had gone off in the small room.</p>
<p>Everything wall to wall was covered in red, pink, and white hearts; boxes of various candies and cookies were stacked on his desk, and every inch spare inch of space – even the scratched tile floor – was covered with dozens upon dozens of roses.</p>
<p>Asa blinked.</p>
<p>“Oh Dr. Emory, that’s so sweet! We didn’t know you were seeing anyone!”</p>
<p>The grey-haired department secretary had sidled up to Asa and had clasped her hands in front of her bosom – eyes wide and bright at the veritable monument to the most ‘romantic’ of holidays.</p>
<p>Before Asa could reply, she was already shuffling past him, grabbing the white card conspicuously placed in an obscenely large arrangement of red roses.</p>
<p>She smiled broadly as she opened up the envelope and started to read.</p>
<p>
  <em>“My darling Asa, Hang in there, buddy. We’ll find someone next year. Stay positive! Here’s looking forward to finally using all that lube for something other than car maintenance. Love, Asa”</em>
</p>
<p>The silence that echoed across the lab was awkward in the extreme.</p>
<p>Asa could feel his face heating and before anyone could say anything (or his damn blush got worse), he snatched the card away from the wide-eyed secretary and slammed his office door in her face.</p>
<p>Leaning against the closed door, the large man rubbed his eyes under his glasses, already feeling a migraine starting to form.</p>
<p>The bright colors lit up the normally staid and subtle décor of the room. Asa groaned in annoyance as he surveyed the mess. His attention turned to the small slip of paper grasped tightly in his hand and he quickly looked it over…</p>
<p>No other names, all typed, generic stock paper… Fuck, that wasn’t helpful.</p>
<p>Tossing the card into the waste basket, Asa gingerly stepped through the detritus - avoiding a pyramid of sprinkle-covered bonbons as he made his way to the desk.</p>
<p>Stopping at each bouquet, he aggressively snatched the attached note; becoming progressively more and more angry as he read the printed cards.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Sweet Asa, you make me tingle all over, I don’t know what I’d do without you. &lt;3 “Little Asa”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Doctor Emory, thank you for being our #1 subscriber! You’ve singlehandedly kept us in business. - BustyBabes.com”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Doctor Emory, we’re sorry to inform you that your order of our book ‘500 Sexy Feet for the Single Man’ has been delayed. Thank you for your patience and have a lovely Valentines Day. - Feet Fetish Forum”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Asa, you’re the love of my life. Never change, my handsome man! - Love, Mom”</em>
</p>
<p>Taking a deep, calming breath Asa carefully and methodically ripped the offending pieces of paper into tiny shreds.</p>
<p>He could feel the predatory sensation that always preceded a hunt swell in the back of his mind. He was going to find whomever did this and destroy them.</p>
<p>Grabbing at a pile of boxes, he began rummaging through the labels, the wrapping, even the damn bows – looking for anything familiar or that might give some indication as to who really sent them.</p>
<p>When the third stack of Godiva chocolate truffles began to lean a bit too precariously, Asa was close to giving up.</p>
<p>He gazed despondently around the room, looking for any clue he could sink his teeth into…</p>
<p>… wait…</p>
<p>He moved quickly over to a plate of prettily wrapped cookies with a unique, but cheaply printed bakery label…</p>
<p>This looked familiar.</p>
<p>Where had he…</p>
<p>Oh.</p>
<p>The pieces began to fall into place as he recognized the logo on the label as the same one he’d seen on his neighbors business license.</p>
<p><em>You’d</em> done this.</p>
<p>His mind raced with next steps and cold, rage-filled thoughts as he held the plate of cookies in his hands.</p>
<p>A loud pounding on the door shook him from his plotting; only to freeze him entirely as a loud, male voice shouted:</p>
<p>“ASA EMORY, THIS IS THE POLICE!”</p>
<p>Asa stiffened, ready to run.</p>
<p>How had they found him?!</p>
<p>The voice rang out again.</p>
<p>“COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!”</p>
<p>Shit, shit, shit, shit…</p>
<p>“YOU’RE UNDER ARREST FOR BEING TOO SEXY!”</p>
<p>He most definitely did not scramble – he moved with purpose – towards the entrance; twisting the lock quickly as heavy electro-beats began to pulse through the door accompanied by a chorus of feminine screams.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>———————————————————————</p>
<p>The glass of champagne you were sipping on was getting tepid.</p>
<p>It wasn’t particularly unusual for you to be alone on Valentine’s Day; but at the very least in years past you’d had close friends nearby to keep each-other company during your ‘Singles Awareness Celebration’.</p>
<p>But moving to a new town to start your business had taken you away from all that – and you were feeling the absence.</p>
<p>You were trying to take your mind off of it by working through a few cookie recipes that had been giving you trouble. No one wants to eat a crunchy macaron….</p>
<p>A knock on your door pulled you from your contemplation.</p>
<p>Your brow furrowed as you glanced at the clock. It was nearly 10 PM, who in the world would be knocking now?</p>
<p>Shuffling across the room, you wiped your hands on your pants and slowly approached the door.</p>
<p>Pulling at the heavy oak, you froze as soon as you saw who was standing in your entryway.</p>
<p>Asa Emory looked ominous in the shadows cast by your porch light. He had clearly just come from his work, as he was still sporting a button-down and sweater vest combo… his tie and hair looked like they had gone through the ringer.</p>
<p>His hands were clenched around the platter you’d had delivered to his office early this morning – the logo for your shop prominently displayed.</p>
<p>You stared at each other for a few moments, neither saying anything.</p>
<p>Grinning a bit under his angry glare, you finally broke the silence.</p>
<p>“Sooo… what did you think of the cookies?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Well, this was certainly awkward…</p>
<p>You were slouched despondently against your foyer table and receiving the most monotone dressing-down of your life.</p>
<p>You could tell Asa was trying his best to control his temper, which you appreciated and knew that if you were in his position you wouldn’t give yourself the same courtesy.</p>
<p>“…and to bring your ostentatious holiday display to my place of work is completely beyond the pale of this quarrel you seem insistent on engaging in with me - despite your mis-assigned blame for the notes regarding your tree, you…”</p>
<p>Your head shot up and you interrupted the man with a quick “Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean ‘mis-assigned’?”</p>
<p>Asa rolled his eyes behind his thick-framed glasses.</p>
<p>“I didn’t write the notes about your tree being a nuisance.”</p>
<p>“The hell you didn’t! And then you infested my house with roaches… and LIZARDS!”</p>
<p>A derisive snort answered your outburst.</p>
<p>“You threw egg on my head.”</p>
<p>Your mouth opened, but no sound came out.</p>
<p>The sandy haired man shook his head with annoyance.</p>
<p>“… And butter if I’m not mistaken.”</p>
<p>“… It was lard…”</p>
<p>“Excuse me then, apparently I wasn’t as observant in my assessment of your weapon as I should have been.”</p>
<p>You gulped, feeling all of a sudden like you’d made a terrible mistake.</p>
<p>“So, you didn’t send me all those letters about my tree…”</p>
<p>“I did not.”</p>
<p>“And everything you did after that was in response to me dropping a lard bomb on your head…”</p>
<p>You could have sworn Asa grinned for the briefest of moments at that.</p>
<p>“It did catch my attention.”</p>
<p>You sunk slowly to the wood floor with a low moan leaving your mouth.</p>
<p>“Oh no…”</p>
<p>Tears began to well in your eyes – completely mortified that you’d accosted an innocent man, and worse KEPT coming after him! What kind of person did that?! You were a monster!</p>
<p>Asa looked extremely uncomfortable at your sudden outpouring of emotions, and he awkwardly avoided your eyes as you gazed up at his still standing form with the look of a kicked and repentant puppy.</p>
<p>“I don’t even know what to say… Asa, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how but I’ll make this up to you I promise!”</p>
<p>Groaning in annoyance, Asa cocked an eyebrow and looked down at you – still looking like he’d rather be anywhere else rather than watching you mope and apologize.</p>
<p>“That’s not needed in the slightest. I just want to be left alone. Do that, and I’ll consider your mis-step forgotten.”</p>
<p>You nodded in agreement, sniffling and drying your eyes on your hoodie.</p>
<p>Silently you promised yourself that you wouldn’t rest until you felt like you’d made this whole shit-show up to your neighbor. He was about to be showered with so much guilt-reparation he wouldn’t know what to do with it.</p>
<p>You stood from your seat on the floor and shrugged sheepishly at Asa, who was now silently observing you.</p>
<p>“… Did you like the cookies I sent you or…”</p>
<p>Asa blinked.</p>
<p>“I don’t eat sweets.”</p>
<p>You paused.</p>
<p>“Oh! Are you diabetic?”</p>
<p>That vaguely uncomfortable look was returning to Asa’s face. Damn this dude was weird.</p>
<p>“No. Now if we’re in agreement that you won’t be continuing with these childish pranks, I’ll be leaving.”</p>
<p>Nodding, you opened your mouth once more to carry on what you hoped might be an actual conversation with the man; but before you could get more than the first syllable of your follow-up question out Asa had turned from you without a glance and strode out your front door, closing it firmly behind him.</p>
<p>OK, well, you’d just wait until you saw him next time to chat some more.</p>
<p>———————————————</p>
<p>There was some serious pep in your step the next morning as you jogged out the door. You were setting up shop and so close to your opening day you could nearly taste it!</p>
<p>While digging through your bag, you happened to glance up towards Asa’s house, and saw the man himself sitting on his porch swing.</p>
<p>You waved jauntily and yelled out a bright ‘good morning’. He didn’t acknowledge you.</p>
<p>Your eyes were still trained on your neighbor, which is probably why you didn’t see the tripwire that was strung ever so carefully across your porch pillars.</p>
<p>With a screech that would have put a dying cat to shame, you flew ass over heels into your yard.</p>
<p>Catching your breath and wondering what the hell just happened, you rose on hands and knees – shuffling slowly to the sidewalk.</p>
<p>Only to notice that you were leaving a fairly wide streak of bright green paint behind you.</p>
<p>Someone had painted your lawn!</p>
<p>Your hands flew in front of you and you saw with horror that they were covered in the slick green as well.</p>
<p>The sound of heavy boots stepping across wood planks brought you back to reality, and you looked up to see Asa standing, watching you flounder with your new coloration.</p>
<p>“I only had oil paint on-hand. I hope you have turpentine.”</p>
<p>You gave a wordless scream of rage at the smug asshole smirking down at you.</p>
<p>“Now, we’re even.”</p>
<p>“<em><b>ASA</b></em>!!!”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>